Our Inner Colonies of ANTs by Helen Liu
Table of common ANTs. (Not an exhaustive list.) Credit: Real Human Performance
Recently, I learned about “automatic negative thoughts” (ANTs). You might recognize these thoughts: they are the sort that just pop into your mind and douse it in a bucket of negativity.
When I have them, especially when bombarded with multiple at once, I get this unpleasant, heavy feeling in my chest that I cannot move. However, I am working on figuring out how to take control of that feeling to be able to push it off of me, and I think I’m making some progress.
You see, recently, I also learned that one ANT I often have is called the “Mind-reading ANT.”
The Mind-reading ANT. Credit: https://opscounselorscorner.weebly.com/programs/december-31st-2018
When I initially heard of mind-reading, it didn’t resonate, because I don’t see myself as someone who tends to assume what my friends think when conversing directly with them. However, I realized that when not in a direct conversation, I do tend to assume the thoughts of anyone and everyone – including my friends.
For example, today, I had several mind-reading ANTs. I thought that someone I spoke with was unappreciative of our conversation (they weren’t), I thought that a staff member might have thought me rude or dumb (they probably just thought me a little out of it, which I indeed was this morning), and I thought that a friend might secretly think I’m annoying (they don’t).
Each of these ANTs weighed on me for a while, ranging from what felt like 15 minutes to an hour to recurring for 10-minute-long chunks over the course of the entire day. Regardless of how long they occurred, each felt too long, and I was ready to abandon the negativity long before the heavy feeling dissipated.
Being able to verbalize or categorize something has always helped me grasp it better. The assignment of my negative thoughts to the category of “mind-reading ANT” helped me gain more control of it. As soon as the thought popped into my head, I recognized it as a mind-reading ANT, and I told myself, “Stop mind-reading.”
It certainly has some effect! Sometimes, the heavy feeling in my chest goes away as if it had always been that fleeting, and sometimes it is merely lessened for a moment before it regains its hold on me. Either way, the moments of reprieve that I am granted help me feel more in control of my emotions, and this makes me feel safer inside my own mind and body. The negative thoughts have not gone away, but their negative effects have been lessened.
By retracing the steps of this particular type of ANT to its root cause, mind-reading, I have been able to make myself the queen of the ant colony.
I am not in control of the ANTs, but they seem to care more about my well-being and cooperate with me when I ask them to leave. I hope to be able to connect with them further in the near future through our mutual recognition of each other!
However, a sample size of one colony is a bit small. Does this really work across situations?
To test it further, I tried addressing another ANT colony that I have: the “Comparing ANT.”
Sometimes I get this unshakeable feeling of negativity that clouds my vision and wraps itself around my body like some kind of miasma. I’m still not sure exactly what it is – jealousy? Inferiority? Feelings of being not enough? Perhaps it is a mix of some or all.
Regardless of what the exact feeling is, I know that it always arises as a result of seeing someone succeed at something more than I can. It’s a terrible feeling, not just because of what I feel, but also I feel like a horrible person for feeling such terrible feelings about someone else’s joy.
Luckily, I have not experienced this feeling in a while. However, it is also worth noting that it grips me tight whenever it comes around and could be said to be “stronger” than my mind-reading ANTs. It also tends to prevent me from offering genuine congratulations to the accomplished person. This leads me to often leave the situation feeling terrible for yet another reason: not having given genuine congratulations.
I am glad that I have recognized this ANT colony because I can then put it to the test the next time I encounter this horrible feeling. Perhaps if I simply tell myself to “Stop comparing,” I’ll be able to quickly let the ANT continue on its way out. Then, not only will I stop feeling so terrible, I will also be able to offer the genuine congratulations that the achiever deserves in full!
In the meanwhile, I have tested my hypothesis out with smaller comparing ANTs. They whisper small criticisms to me that I try to ignore, conveying messages like “I bet you couldn’t do as good as them, and you might never reach that level” or “You’re better than that, aren’t you?” Up until now, the course of action has always been to ignore or try to negate these thoughts, but now I am able to make a clear demand of myself: stop comparing.
I’ve always been good at following directions, and having a clear, strict direction to follow has helped me clear my mind a lot faster than trying to avoid the thought. Avoiding thoughts usually activates reverse psychology and ironically amplifies the negativity. Thus, I am quite glad to be able to make a clear, verbalized demand in my self-instruction with the help of the “comparing ANT” categorization!
Of course, this alone may not work with the stronger comparing ANTs, as evidenced with the mixed results from the mind-reading ANTs. Those ANTs, while more manageable, are not yet completely in sync with my ambitions.
Fortunately, I have further steps to take in mind! When I learned about ANTs, I also learned that they were “born to protect,” and therefore I should seek to understand them with empathy.
Perhaps if, now that I’m finally inside the colony, I look at the ANTs as my protectors who do the wrong things with the best intentions, I will be able to accept them better and let them pass instead of linger.
I won’t deny the oubts that will inevitably surface every now and then, but I won’t let them hold me down or weigh on my chest, either. I hope that as I keep seeking to understand my colonies of mind-reading and comparing ANTs, I will be able to appreciate them for their origin and work together with them to make a better, more comfortable me.
I have yet to experiment with these thoughts, but I am hopeful for good outcomes. I hope you will be able to get in touch with your colony (or colonies) of ANTs too!
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)