Leaky Thoughts by Jewel Harris
Have you ever been on a date and your boobs started leaking breast milk? Yea, me neither, but it's one of those weird little ANTs that just won’t let me be free. My automatic negative thoughts cancel out a lot of great opportunities that I could partake in. For example, I had an opportunity to go to Washington for an advocacy event, and completely freaked out when I got the call. I have a 7 month old babygirl who has been solely feeding on breast milk. For those of you that don’t know, when you pump and feed directly, you send in a request for your body to make more milk. I stopped pumping and was feeding exclusively to make just enough for her desires without extras in the freezer. So, when this opportunity presented itself, I didn't know how I would sustain her while I was away. I also didnt want to leave her with family while I traveled, but didnt have a nanny or backup plan in place. Hence, the freak out. So I immediately jumped into action and started pumping. There’s no use in allowing my thoughts to cripple me and put me in a jail cell when I have the power to do something about it. Tell me why I only pumped 3 ounces in one setting! This was very upsetting and caused my ANTs to go crazy again. Not to mention, this was during a time where we both were under the weather and she did not want to eat whatsoever. I started to call everyone I knew that had infants to see what they recommended. My sister told me that it might be time to switch over to formula. That same night my little one woke up around 10pm and I packed us up and ran to Walmart to see what I could find. It grabbed a similac brand that was pre-made and tried to give it to her when we got home. She ended up throwing it up and I grew very discouraged. I gave her what breast milk I could muster up and downed almost a gallon of water in hopes to produce more breastmilk. When we woke up the next morning I went back to Walmart to try a different brand of milk. She sort of held that one down but spat it up again. I started to experience some of the frustrations my baby was feeling, she was accustomed to the sweetness of my milk and didnt welcome the adjustments. I started to feel like a horrible mother because i didnt follow the protocol and cared more about leaky breasts than maintaining an abundance of milk for her. Later that evening, my breasts began to leak during a zoom meeting. I turned my camera off and began to pump. I pumped more than 15 ounces of milk at that time. My ANTs started to go off, “well looky there, you just spent all that money on milk only to finally produce enough.” “Well, how are you gonna store milk on a plane ride, let alone in a hotel room?” “Who’s gonna even care for her while youre at your events, will they follow protocol for breastmilk?” As my brain began to spiral, I felt like my head was gonna explode and wanted to scream. These thoughts grew until about 3:00 in the morning and I knew nothing would be solved at that time, and decided to simply say a prayer and go to bed. When I woke up the next morning I had peace. Peace that allowed me to not be so hard on myself. I didnt have to force my body to continue to produce, when we were making the adjustment to a new type of milk. I wouldn’t have to worry about distilled water and baby formula on the flight when they make pre-made milk, which would make it so much easier for her caregiver. All I had to do was make sure there was a decent supply for the 3 days we’d be in Washington. Fast forward to today, all things worked out exactly as they would have, whether i stressed about it or not. I was able to secure a flight for a caretaker for Luna as well as have her bags packed weeks before it was time to leave, milk and all. I still struggle with the concept of being a “great” mother, but my sister says that simply wanting to be a great mother and exploring options makes me one. I have to convince myself daily that this little human is doing well in my care. She’s growing, eating, crawling, and baby
talking, all while shooting me smiles everytime she looks at me. The greatest thing I can do for myself and those around me when ANTs kick into overdrive is pause and actually face facts over my feelings. Then and only then can those ANTs be crushed like the little buggers they truly are.
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)