How Stress is Stored: Giving Yourself Grace when Triggered by Amanda Stoddard
(Pictured: little me pretending to get eaten by a shark)
Do you ever feel like there’s a shark in the water? But at all times? That anxiety or stress that creeps up at inopportune times? Maybe you drop your plate on the ground and it sends a shockwave down your entire body.
What goes through your head in those moments? Is it guilt? Shame? Or maybe (hopefully) you shrug it off and tell yourself “Mistakes happen!”? The difference in reactions depends on how that circumstance was stored in your body.
When I was younger and I would drop a plate on the ground it was met with pushback. Mistakes were hardly allowed or tolerated in my household. Every minor misstep was met with backlash or someone poking fun at my expense. I still remember my dad’s famous song “It’s crying timeeeee” every time I would get upset. This laid down the framework for my nervous system to use its pattern recognition software and adjust its settings to adapt to those reactions and prepare for them.
For a long time every time I would drop a plate or spill something, even when I was alone, or separate from them, I would tell myself the same things I heard from my parents. That ping of shame would enter my chest and I would feel instant panic, guilt, frustration, or anxiety. I’d lay into myself as if I had deserved that treatment - when I never did!
Over time as I started my healing process I learned that those words and feelings I was having as a reaction weren’t mine to own, they were laid down by my caregivers. It was their energy, not mine. Through learning this and coming to terms with being able to check in with my own energy, I had taught myself to check in with myself and ask “Who’s voice am I currently hearing? Is it mine?” By asking myself these questions, I learned that it wasn’t my voice at all. It was my stress response, it was my parent’s stress they laid down for my body at a young age. I learned through my healing journey that their reactions were also due to their caregivers! The cycle was repeating, but I could adjust and stop the cycle for myself. I was in control of my reactions and my energy.
This energy was stored in my body so profoundly that anytime I would get feedback from a boss, make a minor misstep, or get less than an A on an assignment it would manifest as a physical response.
The interesting thing about stress and trauma especially when it’s laid down at such a young age, is that it is stored in our limbic system, which means the responses we have we sometimes don’t even know where they are coming from until we check in with ourselves. Your anxiety and nervous energy may be coming from a circumstance that has nothing to do with your inherent value or worth!
The limbic system is the part of the brain involved in our behavioral and emotional responses, especially when it comes to behaviors we need for survival: feeding, reproduction, and caring for our young, and fight or flight responses.
So how do we move through all of this energy, stress, anxiety, or trauma we have experienced that we notice is still bubbling up for us?
These are a few ways that have helped me in my journey, in no particular order. Remember: always use what’s best for you in your journey as everyone has different paths to healing!
Therapy: Therapy is a great tool for learning where the behaviors come from and knowing they’re not your fault. Seeing a therapist helped me connect the dots of my life and realize that I do have value, mistakes happen, and that being human is perfectly okay! Humans make mistakes, we bump into walls, we knock over drinks, and we make messes, none of that means we are bad or deserve poor treatment! If you or someone you know need help finding therapy, or would just like some tips, check out this Mental Health Monday video from the Recovery Center of Hamilton County about therapy!
Move Out That Stored Energy: Sometimes when the energy of this reaction can get too heavy it’s important to finish that stress cycle and move your body! Moving your body in times of high stress or anxiety is helpful for our nervous system to regulate. If we don’t move it out, it gets stored, and that can make us feel heavy and cause us to burn out quickly. This movement could be something as simple as dancing around your room or singing your favorite song! It could also look like flapping your arms or jumping rope! Exercise is also a great way to move through stored energy even when you’re not at your activation point, it can help you at any time. Moving that energy out of your body is so helpful to calming your nervous system and moving out of your limbic system and into your prefrontal cortex aka the thinking brain!
Check In With Yourself: When you start to notice your body becoming reactive, or that energy is building up, check in with you. Give yourself positive support and try to ask yourself some questions, you can even write them down in your notes app so you always have them on hand.
Some of the ones I use are:
“I am okay, I am safe in this moment”
“Feelings are allowed to be felt!”
“I am just (insert emotion) because of (insert scenario) this will not last forever”
“I have gotten through this before, I can do it again”
And when you feel like you’re a little more calm you can ask yourself some questions.
“Where is this reaction coming from?”
“Is this a normal reaction to the current situation?” if it’s not ask yourself “Where is this reaction coming from?”
However, if you’re a chronic overthinker like myself, I found a really helpful CBT app that can help you move through any thought distortions that may be happening, it’s called Simple CBT and it’s only available on the Apple App Store, but another great resource is Stresscoach and Rootd.
Write it out: If you have the opportunity during or after the event that caused you to feel activated, write it out, journal it, or create a poem! Moving through feelings is hard, but writing or even typing it out in our notes app on our phone is a great way to move feelings into words. Writing it down helps us process and move through these feelings freely and openly. It can even help us move this stored energy from the limbic system into the prefrontal cortex! You can process emotions just by writing them down, isn’t that cool? Try it out! It may feel uncomfortable at first, but after a while, it will start to feel natural and like a calm, meditative ritual.
Self-Soothe: Sometimes that shark comes at us so fast and feels so big that all we can do at that moment is what we can to soothe ourselves. The key is to NOT shame ourselves and to give ourselves the grace we need at the moment. This could look like crying it out, hugging ourselves and rocking back and forth, breathing deeply, or laying down in bed and just getting back to a regulated state. All of these reactions are natural and it’s helpful to do what our body asks of us in the moment, if it feels like you just need to cry it out and move through those emotions, then do that! Crying not only cools down our brain but expressing emotions when we feel them is a great way to not keep them stored!
Make a coping skills toolbox! For a long time when I was struggling, it was really hard for me to remember all of my tools for coping. I would constantly just return to the unhealthy coping mechanisms because that was what my instinct was. This perpetuated that cycle of being mean to myself in times of activation. So to set myself up for success, I created a coping skills toolbox. Jen from the Hey, I’m Here Squad and I call this Pandora’s Box for Resilience! Inside my toolbox, I have grounding tools like a cooling towel, peppermint oil, a fidget spinner, icy hot, and a beanie. I also have things that help me engage my senses: good smells, a peppermint stick, sour candy (because these help with anxiety), and an eye mask I can put into the microwave or freezer! Additionally, I added concert tickets for a good memory, a poster I won from a contest, markers for coloring, a nice card from a friend, and my as-needed anxiety medication. But the most impactful tool in this toolbox is my list of coping mechanisms and my list of affirmations (pictured below). I don’t always use every tool, sometimes even one or two can be helpful in the moment, but I always go back to that list and utilize those affirmations to keep me centered! This toolbox is also incredibly helpful when I am triggered by a traumatic memory.
Our bodies' signaling that something is wrong can come from many places, but it’s always so important to give ourselves grace in these moments. What started as me beating myself up over very small things turned into me showing myself grace and gently parenting myself. Instead of chastising myself for dropping something, getting mad at myself for taking a wrong turn when I’m already late, or having an anxiety attack over messing up at work, I have now been able to laugh it off, or tell myself “It's okay” and move through these emotions with ease. What was once such a huge deal for me and my nervous system is now just another small misstep. Even big events that used to take me days to recover from have turned into hours instead. This is the power of moving through your emotions, releasing that stored energy, and checking in with yourself!
Happy healing!
-Amanda
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)