4 Steps for Talking to a Teenager by Ella Dorsey
Have you ever tried to talk to a teenager about how they feel, but it just ends up turning into an argument? This is a common scenario and one that can change!
Sometimes this happens because phrases like, “we need to talk” or, “let’s have a chat” can come across as hurtful or threatening to some teens, so they tend to “fight back” when this is said.
If you’re finding yourself in this situation, there are 4 steps you can try taking to talk to a teenager in a more productive and positive way
1: Set the stage/prepare
The first step in having a fruitful conversation with a teenager is setting the stage and preparing. This happens long before the conversation starts. The goal of this step is to help the teenager you’re talking to know that they can trust you, not feel judged, and be taken seriously (not that they are just being a dramatic teen!).
Some ways you can prepare are by considering:
1. Where should you have the conversation? having the conversation in a place where the teen feels comfortable and safe is a great start.
2. When should you have the conversation? Try picking a time that your teen is most likely to talk freely. For some that might be over morning breakfast, for others that may be over dinner or before bed.
3. How much time do you have? As much as possible, give yourselves plenty of time – don’t rush the conversation.
2: Try staying away from saying “Let’s talk”
We get it, this phrase appears to be the most logical approach to strike up a discussion. However, when we tell our kids, "Let's talk," alarm bells can go off in their minds and they basically shut off their brain, making genuine discussion nearly impossible. Rather, try observing them in a non-obtrusive or intimidating manner before making any statements. Sometimes you can just settle into a chair in your daughter's/son’s room with a book. You may be surprised, teens are normally the ones to start a conversation!
If someone wants to see how I’m doing, for example, and they say “Let's talk,” I wouldn’t want to talk about anything. I would shut down and go back to my room, avoiding talking to them.
Instead, most of the time when I am feeling upset my mom can tell, but she doesn’t ask about it. She waits until I am ready to talk, instead of her starting the conversation. This approach works well for us.
3: Don't tell, just ask
We know that parents are often anxious to help, that’s why you often instruct teenagers on how they should act, speak, and behave. However, it turns out it is significantly more crucial that a discussion happens, instead of a lecture or a tell.
For example, asking, "How are you preparing for your exams?" can be more impactful than lecturing, "You need to study—I can see that you're not studying at all."
Teens typically resist instructions when given. But when you inquire, politely and genuinely curious, you are expressing to them your respect for their judgment and their capacity for self-determination.
As an example, let’s say that my mom has told me to do the dishes in an instance when I was planning on doing them anyway (instead of asking). Often after she tells me to do them, I may say I will do them, but never do. Usually, this is because I don’t feel like it anymore now that I’ve been told to
The same thing can happen when you tell your teen that they need to talk about their issues with you. They might have wanted to talk to you about something, but they don’t feel like it anymore because they now feel like they have to.
4: Respond with your heart
This one can be challenging. For example, let's say your teen tells you that she is anxious about failing the exam and is not prepared. Your first instinct might be to become angry, saying things like, "I told you that you needed to study harder." But what she really needs from you is sympathy. Say something like, "This isn't easy for you, is it?" in its place.
Teens are more inclined to open up to parents when they support them from the bottom of their hearts. This is what helps them feel accepted and understood, not condemned, humiliated, or blamed.
When you talk with your heart, your teen can tell that you actually care. For example, my mom always says that she is here for me and that she is with me every step of the way. I believe her because she says it with a tone that makes me feel comforted – she says it with heart. If your teen doesn’t respond well to you, I hope this blog gives you some new ideas of how you can approach a conversation so you can both move towards healthier, happier communication!
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)