Friend or Foe?: Working With Your Mind by Jackleen GUO
Having an imaginary friend is a common occurrence for children. For me, starting from age 7, my imaginary friend’s name was “Penelope”. This friend only accompanied me whenever I called out to her and spoke in a voice so similar to mine. And oddly, she provided me with some form of comfort through the tumultuous events of my childhood. Although I didn’t understand it at the time, Penelope was some form of my “higher mind”.
When I was in the deep end
I would call upon Penelope when I was bored and a ghost-like appearance of a red-haired girl would appear in my mind. However, unbeknownst to me, at some point this friend’s language slowly began to morph into negative and demeaning language. From my first encounter with depressive thoughts in 5th grade to the worst in my last year of high school, it was almost like Penelope had evolved into the devil upon my shoulder. When I would do something awkward or ‘improper’, she would appear and tell me how I should ‘fix it’ next time, or never let it happen again. Her voice changed from an airy-pleasant tone to a harsher and nasal tone, similar to what I had thought what my own voice sounded like.
When questions arose and changes occurred
I had forgotten about Penelope since she seemed so much like me. I began to wonder, when did this transition occur? How did my internal monologue get so overrun by this negative language? When I began to start my journey of healing in my last moments of high school, I saw how “Penelope” was in fact this ‘higher mind’ that spoke to me negatively and it was hard to shake. It was then I realized that this voice appears only at negative points in my life. So I began to counter the harmful tactics of “Penelope” through positive self-talk: reasoning how “I actually didn’t do so bad” and “everybody makes mistakes”.
But when I reached out and looked at the other side
Something that my dance teacher said that still resonates with me today is, “everybody is focused on themselves, so stop worrying about what others think of you”, which I found some merit in since I was primarily focusing on my actions day by day. Now, Penelope is growing to become someone I can rely on again to help me make some hard decisions. I also have begun to talk to friends in real life whenever I feel down. By taking care of my social and physical health too, I could see improvements being made.
What ways do you practice self-maintenance? What options do you seek out when you get overwhelmed or down?
The Hey, I’m Here Squad is helping me practice improving my self-talk and make friends with my ‘higher mind’. I’m able to see a difference in my own self-confidence. Even though I’m not 100% of the way there yet, I’m still working on making sure that when I do notice those negative patterns coming back, I do my best to call myself out and remember that
I’m still a work in progress. For me, to improve is to make mistakes and learn from them. How do you define self-improvement?
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)