5 Steps to Work Through the Feelings Stew by Helen Liu
Credit Freepik.com
Feelings can feel quite large, if illustrations are anything to go by.
When a prominent feeling takes over, I can feel it in my chest, coating my rib cage and descending onto my beating heart like a thick stew. It’s difficult to let it disperse on its own, much less make it disperse myself.
Before I learned about verbalizing my feelings, the only solution I had was to hope for it to pass as fast as possible so it would not negatively impact the rest of my day. Of course, I wouldn’t always have such luck, and such a solution was neither reliable nor effective.
Now, I have some strategies to try out to help air the feelings through my body. Here are 5 steps that I use to help acknowledge my feelings and let them pass in their due time.
1. Verbalize the feelings.
Oftentimes, feelings come in groups. Recently, when I was unable to spend as much time with a friend as I had hoped to, I felt disappointed, neglected, sad, dismissed, frustrated, and angry. While these feelings had different weights (I was much more disappointed than angry), they were all present in the upset stew that hung over my heart.
Though I did not narrate these feelings aloud, I made sure to think complete sentences with intentionally chosen words in my head. Sometimes I allow thoughts to stay abstract, intangible masses that only make sense to me, but when it comes to verbalizing feelings, the verbal selection of words is important to deconstruct them and acknowledge them.
Also, when verbalizing feelings, it may help to use an “I feel ___” statement instead of an “I am ___” statement to be able to verbally distinguish between passing feelings that will be aired out and more permanent traits that are part of you.
Especially when just starting to identify feelings, it may feel foreign and difficult to find the right words. This is something I am still working on too! Expanding my vocabulary of feeling words by using a thesaurus or frequently verbalizing feelings helps me. Another resource that may help to get started is a wheel of feelings. (I’ve included one below, but if you don’t find the words you’re looking for, there are plenty more online too!)
2. Acknowledge each verbalized feeling.
Take some time to say “hello” to each verbalized feeling, acknowledging it for its role in the stew of feelings. Sometimes I do this by verbalizing my feelings in a long list first, and then going back through that list to highlight each feeling individually and try to individually feel the feeling in my stew, confirming its existence in the stew.
This helps me get to know the composition of my emotional stew better, and by mixing around each part of the stew, they detach from each other. The heavy mass becomes smaller parts which pass easier separately.
3. Verbally appreciate each feeling.
If my feelings still have not lightened much and it feels right to do so, I go back through my list of verbalized feelings again and appreciate them. I acknowledge why they might exist and their importance in my life.
To acknowledge why they might exist, I answer the question, “why do I feel these negative feelings?” In other words, I acknowledge my feelings by explaining why they are here with me.
Sometimes my answer comes from an evolutionary perspective (“I feel angry because I feel isolated from a close social group, which was important for early humans to stay in”) or from ideas more relevant to my life (“I feel disappointed because I feel that my care is not being reciprocated”). Either way, I acknowledge the feelings. They are here for a reason, however abstract.
4. Remember that the feelings will pass.
When the volume of the stew is extremely overwhelming, acknowledging and appreciating my verbalized feelings may be far from enough to let the feelings pass. It can feel quite upsetting when I get to this point and feel like a stew is going to ruin the rest of my night by overstaying their welcome.
When I start to lose hope that I might have a say in how long the stew brews over my heart, I remind myself that the feelings will pass. It helps me stay on track in a nonnegative mindset instead of spiraling into hopelessness, anger, and frustration. It sounds simple, but it can have a significant impact, especially when done repeatedly and routinely.
5. Make your own happy ending.
If you have the power to change something for the better, don’t give up!
To conclude the example of the recent situation, I approached the friend I wanted to spend time with several times unsuccessfully. I felt like giving up after the first few attempts, but I did not want to leave the situation disappointed, so I kept re-approaching them. Eventually, my efforts paid off! Though the event overall was not as much fun as I had hoped it would be, I still have my good memories, and that is more than satisfactory for me.
Therefore, if it’s possible, I encourage you to construct your own happy ending by not giving up!
Finally, something to note: these are tips and strategies that sometimes work for me and they may not work for everyone. They don’t even have 100% efficacy for me! It is rare for any strategy to be so effective. However, I hope that you might be able to employ some of these ideas in ways that help elevate your life.
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)