“I Am” Versus “I Feel”: a Battle for Regulation by Amanda Stoddard
Have you ever dropped something on the ground, spilled something, got caught on a door handle, and immediately shouted out (internally to yourself, or out loud):
“Ugh, I am so stupid!”
“I am such a clutz!”
“I am a (insert expletive here)”
“I can never do anything right!”
That’s okay, I have too. We all have automatic thoughts that pop into our heads sometimes that we don’t have that much control over. These thoughts come from our developmental programming, genetics, environmental factors, etc. But to reframe these thoughts, to help them feel more productive rather than putting ourselves in a box, we can change our language! We can take back these thoughts and make them feel much more safe and harness a trusting relationship between ourselves and our internal voice.
How can I build up my self-trust and move towards a more helpful internal dialogue you may ask. Well, the answer seems easy enough, but in practice can be quite difficult. Most of our daily thoughts are 85% negative! Can you believe that? So how do we combat our natural programming or the statistics that have been laid out for us? Well, let’s talk about it!
Instead of saying “I am” we can move into a more understanding, patient, and human response to a mistake, accident, or mishap by changing it to “I feel”. Language is so extremely important not only in our daily lives but to our nervous systems too. Let’s take one of the above statements and reframe them using the “I feel” method.
Picture this, you’re rushing around trying to get ready for work and what do you know you bump your elbow on the corner of the wall. You could’ve sworn you had some more room, but the wall jumped right out at you and hit you in the funny bone. OUCH! So as an automatic response, you shout
“UGH, I am so stupid!”
Pause.
Now assess how that phrase feels inside your body. I am sure we have all at one point said something to ourselves of this effect. It doesn’t feel good, does it? Ask yourself what feelings come up when you hear a statement like this. How does it feel in your body? If the answers to these questions are not so good, that’s okay, I feel them too. I find myself in these moments quite often. I usually find myself asking some questions after these harsh statements:
Who’s voice is this? Is it mine?
Would I talk to a friend or family member like this?
Imagine you are a child, would you talk to them in this way?
These questions humanize my experience and allow me to see my own body, my emotions, and myself, as another person. Oftentimes, we are the harshest to ourselves, but we don’t have to be. So let’s use this example from above and reframe the statement. Instead of continuing to put ourselves down for even saying such a statement, let’s try something a little different.
Replace “I am” with “I feel”:
“UGH, I feel so stupid!”
Pause.
Now notice how that feels in your body in comparison to the above statement. Take note of if it feels differently to you. We can continue to do this with the sentences we first brought up too, let’s try:
“I am such a clutz!” changes to “I feel like such a clutz!”
“I am a (insert expletive)” changes to “I feel like such a (insert expletive)”
“I can never do anything right!” changes to “I feel like I can never do anything right”
Notice how big these differences are by just changing a few words! Stopping yourself in the moment, right after saying these things can be a HUGE help to your mind and your nervous system. It’s a simple skill that can be implemented at any time. It may not be the easiest thing to do naturally, but actively working on it every single day can help you build success over time.
Take me for example! Growing up my parents were harsh critics, for everything I did or said they seemed to have a negative response. Any misstep, any spill, anything that wasn’t up to their standards was belittled. This molded my inner voice and turned it into an inner critic. The responses to any little tiny mistake would be very similar to the ones above (even meaner actually). But lately, and after a lot of hard work, I no longer continue the cycle and talk to myself that way. Some days it slips through the cracks, and that’s okay! I continue to be patient with myself and my progress. In those moments, I talk to myself and continue to build that self-trust.
“Amanda, you don’t need to talk to yourself like that, you’re human! You make mistakes!”
“Let’s change the way we said that to something more graceful”
Then, I will change whatever harsh critique I gave myself into something using an “I feel” statement. Lately, my go-to has been “I feel so silly!” which helps it feel like any mistake I make is just a funny sitcom moment. It feels weird at first to talk to yourself but eventually, it gets easier and becomes much more natural! Now, I talk to myself pretty frequently because after all I am an auditory processor, so it helps!
Guess what? This skill comes into play and helps with my OCD and anxiety too! For example, a lot of my OCD thoughts and compulsions are health-based. If I have a change in body temperature, I have a headache, my throat hurts, etc., it all feels like I have cancer or some kind of disease the doctors have missed all this time thus leading me to my compulsions; Google searching, taking all the vitamins I can, texting my friends to confirm I do not have an incurable illness. So every time I feel a new body sensation the panic sets in and I use similar language as I do when I criticize myself, the “I am” comes back for round 2, interesting right? This sounds like:
“I am dying”
“I am getting sick”
“I have cancer the doctors haven’t found”
All of this panic bubbles up in my brain, it goes straight to my stomach, and I am sent down an OCD rabbit hole. In order to combat this panic and calm myself and my nervous system down, I use this same technique. Watch how it changes these statements:
“I am dying” changes to “I feel like I am dying”
“I am getting sick” changes to “I feel like I am getting sick”
“I have cancer the doctors haven’t found” changes to “I feel like I have cancer the doctors haven’t found!”
Though these statements are still very tense, they feel a lot less heavy when using that technique.
Interestingly enough, the more I used this technique for simple little mishaps, the more it changed even these OCD moments in my brain.
One technique rolled over into another very prominent aspect of my mental health pretty naturally. Once I realized this, it helped me to continue to build on this skill and now it is a pretty prominent part of my muscle memory! It is truly amazing the difference I have seen in my nervous system response to OCD events, or even small mistakes. Even forgetting to attach something to an email used to wind me up and I’d be feeling down about it throughout the day. But since adjusting the way I look at little mistakes, mishaps, and even my anxiety, I can feel like it is just a natural part of life. I still feel a bit silly when it happens, but I bounce back quickly because I have trained my brain and my nervous system to see them as not so big when these events, at one point, felt like the end of the world.
Changing a statement to “I feel” rather than using the statement “I am” can make such a huge difference in our positive self-talk, our self-trust, and our nervous system. So next time there’s a silly little mishap, or you’re having anxiety about a certain situation, try this technique! It can help us separate our emotions from who we are. When using this type of language it helps us see our emotions and feelings as outside of ourselves. We are not sad, we feel sad! I am not OCD, I have OCD symptoms. Changing our language and the way we look at emotions can truly help us to feel better.
Sorry “I am” looks like “I feel” is the winner and takes the nervous system regulation belt for this one. Congratulations “I feel” keep up the good work!
Additional tools for when you may be in crisis:
U.S. Crisis Text Line: 741-741
Ohio Mobile Response and Stabilization Services: 1-888-418-MRSS (6777)